shewalksinbeauty on Datingish

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Friday, 05 June 2009

Fall Too Fast

Ah, yes... to be confronted by my brother via facebook was the highlight of my day yesterday. Too bad you can't see me rolling my eyes. Yesterday my brother IMed me on facebook (even though he was in the room next to me) with the following.

My Brother
do you mind if i say something i feel you should know.. its not bad

Me
sure...

My Brother
i feel like you are falling too quickly for every guy you meet. i don't mean this in a bad way. i don't have anything against brian i just feel like you are falling for everyone too quickly. i personally think that you just like the feeling of being loved. its a great feeling but it should be rare. i don't want you to get hurt or hurt anyone ever again.. i realize that the last statement is near impossible but it sucks that it has to happen. you are an amazing person, don't just date someone because you want that compassion feeling. sometimes you have to just beat around the bush a little bit. i mean all of this in a positive, i dont want you to get hurt

Me
Trust me, I know this. And I know you're not the only one that thinks this. Maybe I do fall in a state of compassion too quickly, but I don't think that's the case with Brian... well this Brian. I know that you, mom, and dad probably talk about this and I do appreciate that you care... but Brian means a lot to me. He's the first person I've had a relationship with that I really care about since Vince. Yes, Steve, Andrew, and Rob were terrible choices for me... but they were my way of coping with Vince breaking up with me.

My Brother
i'm not at all saying that you made poor choices.. i just feel like you are being too quick to sweep you friends under a rug and drop everything for brian.. its great that you care about him, i'm really happy for you. but dont forget about the people who will be there no matter what, like steph

Me
I don't think I'm doing that. I barely get to see Steph because of her schooling. She's wrapped up in that. It kills me that I never get to see her, but I'd choose her over him any day!!!!! She's my best friend.

Have you and her been talking? Does she feel this way? =/

My Brother
i haven't talked to her but i think you should either talk to her or make time for her on the weekends

Me
She works all day Saturday and Sundays she tends to catch up on work around the house. It's not that I'm blowing her off; it's that she's found a life as well.

My brother
talk to her then

Me
Have you, mom, and dad been talking about this? Honestly. I don't mind if you have.

My Brother
i brought it up at dinner before you got there and they said that i was the only person that you would actually hear out.. i'm a genius and i've been through a really bad breakup before

Me
I'm a bit peeved that you guys didn't all confront. Although, doing it at a restaurant wouldn't be the best idea. I know what I'm doing with Brian and although you guys don't necessarily approve... I'm happy. I don't think you guys understand my relationship with him fully and nor do you understand my relationship with Steph. When Steph isn't working, she has school and housework. I try to make time with her, but it's very hard. I do thank you for sharing your opinion... but I think you should have all said something to me before talking behind my back. That just doesn't seem very fair to me.

Maybe I was being too sensitive to the whole thing, but I was upset when he told me all this. First off, I think it's an unfair accusation to make without talking to Steph. She's currently going to cosmetology school and is really focused on that. Is it wrong of me to be upset about this?

I will admit that I do fall too hard sometimes, but I'm infatuated and in a new relationship. Shit happens. I don't want to spend every waking moment with him or anything; I just want to be around him. Is that really so wrong?

Sunday, 15 February 2009

I hope it gives you hell.

So lately I've had the new All American Rejects song "Gives You Hell" stuck in my head and I've been singing it nonstop. It's pretty much gotten me through my most recent break-up and even helped me get over a guy dated almost a year ago. But yesterday, being Valentine's day just fucked up everything.

I used to be a huge romantic. I melted for the guy who would bring me roses and chocolates, but most of all I loved a guy who would bring me stuffed animals (I'm a sucker for them). But since my most devastating heartbreak back in July I've become less and less of a romantic and I've become almost cold-hearted. Ridiculous and pathetic, I know.

This brings me to my point (FINALLY!) I went on my first date with the most incredible guy last February 14th. We went just as friends, mostly because he was a good friend of my brother. I can tell you exactly where we went and what I had, but I won't bore you with those details. Let's just say we both had a great time and after a few more days we were dating.

He was the perfect gentlemen and I loved him more than I could possibly put into words. We had our petty fights (mostly because of me) and we had our serious fights; I accompanied him to his senior prom, and had the most amazing time (even though I was in college and he was a senior in high school). Things couldn't have been better and they just kept getting better until the end of June when everything went downhill and by the third day in July he was telling me those words that would break my heart and leave a hole in me forever, "I fell out of love with you." We broke up that day, and here I am eight months later still not over him.

Since our break up I've dated two guys, neither very seriously, and I just didn't feel the electricity I felt with Vince. So, yesterday was a very hard day for me. I went to work in the morning then I spent a lot of the afternoon napping and by the time eight o'clock came around (the time we went on the day one year ago) I couldn't get Vince out of my head. He hasn't dated anyone seriously since me, and I honestly dread the day he does. I don't want to have to see him with anyone else.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Why would you ever have to see him again?" Well, he's my brother's college roommate, as if my life couldn't be anymore of a soap opera. I promised myself that I would attempt to be civil to him, and now he thinks we're really good friends. I don't think I can be his friend. I mean is it even possible to be friends with someone you're still a bit hung up on?

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it give you hell, hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you, hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
I hope it gives you hell.

Thursday, 05 February 2009

To Be Honest...

I'm completely lost in my life. There was a time, about a year ago, when I thought I had everything figured out in my life. I thought I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, and most importantly who I wanted to be with. I know, it's ridiculous, how could someone of only nineteen years have her entire life figured out. To be honest, I still think that girl of almost a year ago has everything figured out. Honestly, I miss that girl. I miss the life she was living, the man she loved; I just miss her.

Sometimes I wonder if that girl will ever return to me. Can I ever be her again? For the past six months I've been trying to get over that man of a year ago, and I can't seem to understand it. The hardest thing for me is the way things ended. When he broke up with me he told me that he loved me, but he would leave for college and he didn't want to be in a relationship. That, for some reason, gave me hope. I thought that if he still loved me then; maybe I could make him love me again. To be honest, I still think that. I still think that he could love me again, if he could give it a chance.

But I'm with someone else now. He's great, and I don't deserve him. I'm madly in love with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I really do care about my boyfriend, but he's not that boy that I'll always love. No matter what I do I can't get him out of my head. Every time my boyfriend touches me (in whatever way), I imagine it's the other guy. Why can't I get it through my thick skull that my ex will never love me again. Why can't I face the truth.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

The Worst Word

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately; mostly about breaking up. In my thinking I've come across the worst word in the English language. The word that is means the worst. Surprisingly it's not "bitch", "whore", or "bastard". It's a word that people don't often think of when someone says "bad word". But, if you think about it; it really makes sense.

The word I find the worst is "unrequited". According to the dictionary, unrequited means not reciprocated or returned. Of course, when people think of unrequited they think of unrequited love. ANd that, my friend, is the worst kind.

Of course there are two sides to unrequited. There's the person who falls in love and the person that doesn't. Both sides pretty much suck, the one that falls admittedly has the worst end of the bargain. The person who falls in love, does it alone. It's like falling from a 10 story building and when you're just about to hit the ground the padding you're supposed to fall onto comes out from under you.

Then there is the other side; the ones that don't fall in love. This is really only a bad thing if you have a heart, and unfortunately for me, I do. I allowed this guy to fall in love with me and I don't return the feelings. On top of all the other stress I'm under there's this too.

So, what do I do if I don't have the heart to break up with him. I've tried, but he can't accept it. So, now what? Where do I go from here?